Not until we are lost, do we begin to understand ourselves. -Henry David Thoreau

Hi there.

I know it's been a long long time since I updated this refuge of mine. I had been reading my past blog posts and I realised how much had changed. Things haven't been the most smooth sailing around here. I really just need to rant. I know since I haven't updated in so long, nobody is probably going to read this. So this is me, thinking aloud.

I paused for 2 minutes, I don't even know where to start.

I can't even remember when my life starts spiralling out of control in my own hands. So many times I stop and think, this is not who I want to be. I miss being myself. I miss knowing who I am. I miss knowing what kind of person I want to be.

I want my control back.

Nowadays, I can't even look at myself and things around me without shedding a tear. I know, I know, people who are close to me are going to say crying isn't a big deal for me. I cry really easily, even over the littlest of things. But this is different. It really hurts so much, I choose to bury it away. So much so I choose to not even think of it. People say out of sight, out of mind, right? But how long do I want to keep running away? Everything is a wreck.

I want to be contented again, just like I used to.

Since I can ever remember, I've put everyone's feelings over my own. I do what I can to please everyone, even if I don't feel up to it. Tell me, is it because I have done so much, I'm too tired. Or because no one is worth it any more. Things have changed, even with the people around me. I'm not sure if I'm the one who've changed or them.

I know I've said this a million times, it's becoming my slogan now. "Many years later when you look back at this, it will all seem like nothing." But time has not passed yet, I still feel very affected.

I don't want to feel so alone, so lost, so depressed.

One last thing, I've been missing my Granny so much lately. It would be great if she's still around. She is the strongest women I know and she is someone I know dearly that I can always rely on. I miss her, so much. Though, I lost her when I was really young, I can vividly remember the times we spent together. After all, she practically took care of me for my entire childhood. Now I can't even think of her without feeling empty, so empty.

I can't bring myself to visit her. It hurts too much.

I miss you so much, see you someday in heaven. ♥

With Love, 

Angela Giselle