A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom. - Bob Dylan

Hey.


I have been thinking so much lately. Especially with people around me facing all sorts of relationship problems. Couples getting married because of pregnancy, teenagers losing faith in love and so many other problems. As much as I know everyone have their ways of dealing with difficult situations, but me being me, I just can't help but to be concern. I am always too sensitive, I take it upon myself to try and help them. Maybe this is why I always say I cannot be a social worker, EVER, because I will sink right into their problems and be deeply affected. 

Teenagers around me are all thinking that maintaining a relationship is an easy task. In fact, it is far from easy. I assume it is because I am together with my BF for going 5 years now, and we almost always look happy and contented around our family and friends. So people don't see the hardship in working a relationship. I guess it's only human to see the good side of things, we tend to ignore the fact that in everything we do there good and bad, pros and cons. I used to think my aunties didn't try hard enough because they always say, in a relationship someone has to be the one to give in. I know, I know, I am very stubborn. I used to think that both parties are equal in a relationship. In any situations, we discuss and come to a fair conclusion. But now when I look back, how silly can I be. Who is it to determine that it is a FAIR conclusion? There is always one party giving in to derive to the "fair conclusion". 

No couples are exactly the same. Whatever you find working for you, maintain it. Now, I guess we take turns giving in to each other and it's quite sweet and funny. Haha. 

Most importantly, think through real hard before you make a decision. It is really not wise to be stubborn and walk into a relationship knowing you guys have no future together or that you guys are not compatible at all. Different people think differently, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? This is something to think about and not to be blindly followed.

I know I am always more mature than my age but recently as responsibility keeps piling, I suddenly realize I stopped growing. There are so many things I want to avoid, I want to walk away, I want to cry it off. I grew up in a family that does not accept imperfections. There is no excuse why can't I be the best, why can't I work harder, why can't I this, why can't I that. There is nobody to talk to about anything since young. I bottled everything up and always thought that is what everyone does. And boy, I was wrong, very wrong. Now, I try to open my heart and talk to people as much as I need vent. It is working quite well for me, but sometimes I still forget and keep all my troubles to myself. 

I am still really close with mummy even though she doesn't know how much stress she has given me and I really don't plan on telling her. She really doesn't know how sensitive I can get. She keeps saying she doesn't expect a lot from me, but I see every micro-expression of hers when she reads my result slip. Her work harder next time is not just an encouragement, it is like a demand. 

Maybe it happens to all mothers, more or less, 93 for Maths and she asks why not full marks? I'm not trying to say I shouldn't work towards the highest, the best, but she doesn't understand the stress in our studies. She likes to say if she is the one studying she will definitely do better than me. But why so harsh on me? 

Now when I think about the stress in this course, all I can think of is run. I just want to walk away from all these and start afresh somewhere else, somewhere I can be myself. But it's not right, I can't just walk away. Sigh..

I have to end here. Before I flood my laptop with tears. I thought I really needed to vent before I drive myself up the wall.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

With Love, 

AngelaGiselle